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Liberals Pick up the Nose-picker Fight

on December 4th, 2005 | Filed under Asides

Liberals Pick up the Nose-picker Fight

Well, maybe they haven’t yet, but if their current philosophies and democrat history provide any indication, Liberals will soon be spending tax payer dollars to champion nose picker “rights.”

Nose picking is mostly frowned upon in our society, but since several studies1 have concluded that nose picking is an inherited genetic “condition,” liberals will soon champion special treatment, “rights,” and tax advantages for out-of-the-closet nose pickers (NPs).

But, David, isn’t nose picking a public health hazard? Isn’t it “wrong.” Sure, irresponsible nose picking can transmit diseases to other people: colds, gastroenteritis, conjunctivitis, impetigo2. When these illnesses are caused by nose picking, the natural reaction would be, boy I shouldn’t pick my nose- nor should anyone who comes in contact with me or my food! However, this would be republican “hate speech.” Benevolent liberals would have a plan for us all.

The first thing liberals would is pass laws requiring businesses to divert money from profits and install in their buildings one hand washing station per 500 square feet, one hand sanitizer dispenser per 250 square feet, and offer complementary latex-free five-fingered condoms (a.k.a. gloves) at all entrances.

But the liberals would be remiss if they didn’t educate our children about nose-picking. Special NP Ed classes would enter school curriculums nationwide. Liberals will also try to create a provision that students may not opt-out of the class if their parents object to what is being taught about nose picking. Republican parents may object to:
in-class demonstrations on nose picking.
adulation of the sensual nose picking experience.
hand washing and the use of hand sanitizers and hand condoms will be taught as the only source of preventing the public health risk caused by nose picking.
the fact that one could avoid auto- and trans-inoculation by abstaining from nose picking, but this relevant information will not be admissible in the class room.

Parents and students objecting to NP Ed will be called all sorts of hateful things by the Party of Love, among them will be “old prunes” (which look a lot like humongous boogers with a dark tint). These conservative parents will be laughed at in every state except Utah and Idaho. ACLU will mercilessly monitor the teaching habits and curriculums of Utah and Idaho school districts to make sure they comply with the liberal’s interpretation of the law.

I foresee a problem with a blue-state school district in a predominantly conservative neighborhood where the majority of workers are in the health care industry. They will pull their kids out of school to protest NP Ed. Of course, the liberals will call for troops to be sent in to squash the rebellion. Photos of 7th graders being “escorted” back to school with MP5 machine guns pointed at their head will be only available on the Internet since major media outlets will, at first, pretend such photos don’t exist. When the issue is pressed, they will admit they didn’t publish them because of “journalistic integrity.”

Of course, what the parents would also object to would be “Unit 2: detailed instruction on how to pick your friend’s nose.” Of course, picking your friend’s nose will be touted by the liberals as a “routine act, like going to the bathroom” and is also protected by the first amendment. The NP Ed curriculum will encourage students to believe that picking other people’s noses (POPN) means nothing, has no consequences, and relieves a physical and psychological need given to us by Evolution. Of course, forcible POPN with a non-consenting party is “strictly prohibited” unless you are from Arkansas or hold influence in the liberal hegemony. In that case, it is “someone’s personal NP life” and “we shouldn’t meddle in such private affairs” and “what goes on between people’s fingers and noses is none of our concern.”

The ACLU will make sure that all school districts know that they are not allowed to notify parents if their child is an NP or POPN, since that is against “privacy laws” and could defame the child (even if “everyone” does it?). The liberals will make sure heavy fines are enacted on school districts who deal so treacherously against the NP student, which will raise taxes (future headline: San Francisco Residents Donate 80% of Income [to government]).

In conclusion, the plight of nose picker rights to date has largely gone unnoticed, but I guarantee that liberals will soon come to their rescue as they try (in vain) to increase their party’s base.

1. Please note that, like many studies cited by liberals, these studies don’t actually exist. But come on! Isn’t it common sense that many people are born nose pickers? Think of all the kids in the world who pick their nose until their parents scornfully shame them into suppressing their Evolution-given desire to shove a finger up their nostril.
2. Staph. Aureus is one of the primary bacteria found in our nasal mucosa secretions. It is also a causative organism of impetigo (skin infection). Pretend you get a scratch on your skin which creates an open wound. A finger makes a journey from inside a nostril to touch the scratch, and theoretically you could get impetigo.

I recently completed reading three books by Ann Coulter. Wow. I wish every “liberal by default” person in America could read her collective works and wake up from the brainwashing given to them from birth by the media outlets and education establishment. Reading Ann Coulter’s work was a direct inspiration for this blog entry. I wrote it because I want America to know that: I am a conservative, I have a blog to voice my opinions, and I vote.
I also misleadingly made the headline look like fact, because as Ann Coulter has shown, the NYT does it all the time with liberal opinions.
David Langford, OD


2 Responses to “Liberals Pick up the Nose-picker Fight”

  1. Proud Liberal says:

    gottto love your admiration for one of the most hate filled person on this Lord’s earth.
    See here:

  2. Conservatism works, and I believe that strongly enough that I’ll proudly put my real name in this comment. Mediamatters.org is a liberal propaganda site (as if they need more media outlets to brainwash the masses). It’s proof positive that what Rush says is true, liberals have no sense of humor. Take for example when Ann said “a baseball bat is the most effective way these days” [to talk to a liberal]. That’s funny! Liberals are so obstinate about their political religion that they are about impossible to debate with. Notice how proud liberals name call rather than actually read what conservatives have to say. I would encourage all proud liberals to read Ann Coulter books instead of burning them in their thoughts.
    That said, I didn’t mean for this site to become my political ideas outlet. I had an idea for an analogy and just had to write it down, so I created the Asides category. I would encourage people who wish to actually debate politics (instead of name call) to visit the forums at anncoulter.com.